Scotland

As the cold winds of November sweep across the prairie, Winter sends her her herald, Jack Frost, announcing his Queen's royal visit! I'm looking ahead to avoiding this coming season by making my way to Scotland! I've been told that the ancient greek word for darkness is "skotia" and that is how Scotland got it's name. The ancient Greeks were fond of mushrooms. They used them in their worship of their gods Zeuts and Apallo.
Their own land was too sunny for mushrooms to grow in abundance so they wandered over hill and dale until they came upon this territory that was shrouded in fog. They found out that people there lived underground in total darkness, making leather goods and growing mushrooms! But more about history later.
Since Scotland is entirely underground, the temperature year-round stays between sixty eight and seventy two degrees farenheit.(except during volcanic activity, when it gets real hot) Needless to say, very little clothing is necessary for day to day life. Women go about their daily business in loose fitting mumus and the men wear skirts, usually at mid-calf, but they did go through that miniskirt scandal during the fifties. Tanning salons abound and it's "the" hotspot for Spaniards and Italians looking for that "bronzed" look.
The increase in tourism has had many positive effects on the Scots: Cannibalism is way down, as is dueling with logs they call "capers". Since so many outsiders are scampering around their caves these days the tribal overlords have agreed to form a basic policing force to discourage the customary beatings and robbery that are part of the Scot's culture. It's hard for the old folks to see their quaint ways go down the crapper (a Scot's invention!) but that's progress!
Of course, as a tourist, I'm more interested in what the locals do to unwind and "chill out"! On the weekends, the Scots head for Lake Nessie, a massive central underground ocean. There's lots of beach chairs supplied by the council of elders where you can languish on the shore catching up on your reading and napping. You'd be well advised to bring along a miner's lamp or a flashlight - and don't worry, there are thousands of birdcages full of canaries, ready to warn you if there are any odorless poison gasses in the area.
For the younger set, there's beach fireball (like volleyball but with a flaming sphere instead of the usual ball) and bumper surfing! If you are a "hodad" and want to bring your own surfboard, you can rent the padding for your board and then hit the waves with safety. Since there's no wind underground, the wave action is caused by the undulations of giant jellyfish just off shore (watch out for those stingers!)
If you're into swimming, the water's really warm; just don't step down since there may be razor sharp barnacles on the ocean floor!
What can I say about the night life? It's always nightlife underground!The Scots love to drink. The most popular drinks are FungO, an alcoholic beverage made from fermented mushrooms and Irish Whiskey, which helps them wash down the FungO.
Oddly enough there is no music in Scotland. The Scots murmur to a beat and that's about it. The more they drink, the louder the murmur. There are no museums or any visual arts because of the constant darkness but the people don't mind because they are occupied with games of skill and tests of strength. The favorite skill game is "cat bowling". This game has multiple players who roll hairless cats (or rodents, if cats aren't available) along the ground in the hopes of hitting something - or someone.
The most popular test of strength is "downhill rockbash", also for multiple players, wherein a gang of people find an incline and run down while bashing each other with rocks. A great reason to make friends with the locals!
Well, I'd better bring in the laundry now. The frost stiffens my pants and I'm able to stack them in the shed and defrost them when I have to change.

Keep on travellin'
Blitz