Amazon River Rafting Adventure

Norv and Lem surprised me this morning with a loud moose call. I rushed out with my thirty-thirty only to see the two of them standing in front of a large flat object that looked like a bunch of logs lashed together. They told me they had constructed a river raft for our upcoming adventure: DOWN THE AMAZON!
It took a few hours before I could inspect this lovely craft since the moose call they used to wake me up attracted a few bulls who proceeded to chase us around the barn until just before sundown. Lem managed to scare them off by doing his lunatic routine; he's able to dislocate his elbows and flap his arms like a seal. Then he makes this loud gurgling sound while rolling his eyes around. Works every time!
Anyway,upon closer inspection, I saw that they had taken every contingency into consideration when building this raft. They set up a high quality tent for sleep and protection from the elements. In case of animal attack, armor plate hangs just inside the outer walls. Norv also insisted on lining the tent with lead to keep the gamma rays out. He also lined the kitchen utensils, pots, pans and tableware -
just to be safe.
Lem scooped some wood out in the middle of the raft for our fire pit. There's a fridge for beer, a foot massager, a George Foreman Grill and a television. I suggested to the guys that we buy a gross of extension cords for the appliances.
We can't wait to float this baby so the boys thought the Amazon River would be the perfect place to launch this fine craft. I was thinking we can tie the raft to the top of the RV since it's only about a two day drive but Norv quickly pointed out that they had made a custom trailer out of an old tractor so we can just haul it behind us!
The Amazon is the world's longest river - it would have to be since it circles the entire globe, making it the only river that has no delta!
Needless to say, lots of ships use it so you have to be aware of your surroundings at all times. The Amazon rapids are considered the best in the world! they are unique in that they have an incline of eleven degrees going down for the first three hundred miles or so but then inclines up at about fourteen degrees for the next two hundred miles. Salmon love to spawn there since they don't have to work as hard, saving their energy for the spawning!
As beautiful as this great river is, it is also fraught with danger. The scariest denizen has to be the Pirhana! This mighty fish has over one hundred teeth and can strip the meat off a moose in four seconds! A relative of the puffer fish, it grows in equivalent size to the object it's eating and can take up to a year to digest it's prey. They get pretty sluggish for the first three months or so but don't rile them because the can still bite!
The crocodile is also common but they don't hang around the rapids, they just wait at either end with their mouthes open. They can stay in that position for weeks at a time - good thing they have gills, otherwise they'd end up looking like water balloons!
There's also electric eels, white sharks and giant urchins with needles a yard long, but they pale in comparison to the danger of the rocks hidden under the water - what's worse, they're covered with razor sharp barnacles that can shred you and leave you looking like a politician's secret document.
All things considered, the excitement of the trip outweighs the danger. I'm looking forward to the leisurely trip down the mighty Amazon, watching the dolphins gracefully jumping out of the water as natives lovingly wave to us as we pass by.
The Amazonians are astonishingly friendly and gladly share everything they have. The have no word for "murder" in their language - or "sandwich" for that matter. They love showing off their toys which are comprised mostly of little wrinkly plastic heads with long hair. They have them hanging all over their quant villages. I suppose they're for the little girls.
Norv says that there are two currents in the Amazon running in opposite directions so when we've had enough river rafting we just turn around and head back. Sounds great!
Well, time to prepare the food for the trip; one hundred and fifty pounds of moose sausage coming up!

Keep on travellin'!

Blitz