Banff Alberta

I'm getting so much mail these days! I truly treasure your interest and only want to encourage you all to continue writing to me. I'm hoping to construct a "love letter sweat lodge" made entirely of your missives and epistles. Then, as me, Pearly, Maximillian, Lem and Norv chant away the evenings, scraping the sweat off with old barnacle shells, we can look on your expressions of love and feel a true sense of community with the world at large!

Here's yet another question:

Dear Blitz,

I would like to take my young family on a trip to Banff, in Alberta, however I'm concerned about how to pronounce it, and am not wanting to embarrass myself. Since you come from a place that is also difficult to pronounce (Saskatchewan), do you have any words of advice? And while you're at it, what can we do in Banff?

From:

Hesitant in Montreal

Alberta is just over the border from us but we've never been there because in Saskatchewan, roads only go north and south so you'd have to travel east on foot or by horse - or donkey.
Norv said that he once crossed over into Alberta and spent some time there, but was chased out by a band of outlaws on horseback - one of whom was the Premier of the province! He did, however, learn their ways and such and has filled me in on Banff.
To answer your question on how to pronounce it, although it is spelled B-A-N-F-F, the phonetical pronunciation is TRALFAZZ. Much like the difference between written and spoken ancient greek.
The word Banff is actually an acronym: "Bears Are Not For Food". This word was created when the first group of settlers lost a good number of their party after they decided that grizzly bears would yield copious amounts of meat in the winter since they were hibernating and could easily be overcome in their sleep.
Luckily, some natives managed to convince the remaining pioneers in their broken english and the rest, as they say, is history!
Now as a family vacation destination, Banff is unrivaled in Alberta! The province is dotted with pioneer settlements in the lowlands and quaint hunting lodges along the shore of Lake Tralfazz, a massive saltwater sea right in the middle of the province.
Apparently, the salt concentration is so high, you can stand on the water and only go in as deep as your ankles. There's very little life in the water, apart from brine shrimp, herring and barnacles, so it's pretty safe to let your kids play in the water all day since there are no predators in the lake. However, you must exercise caution if you let the kids play along the shore since there are huge numbers of Grizzly and Black Bears, Wolverines and Timber Wolves roaming freely. They are protected by the local mob and they own most of the hot dog concessions at the beach.
If fresh water appeals to you, then Lake Jasper may be for you. The beaches are safe from predators because the shoreline is covered with razor sharp rocks and thorn bushes so if you want the kids to play on the beach, just cover them in protective clothing or hockey gear. The water is fresh but not safe since Lake Jasper (pronounced "JOHDPUR" - the founding involves two Yogis and a Brahman, but that's another story) is home to the Carharias Calgaris - the freshwater shark!
If the outdoors is not your thing, Alberta offers cultural and scientific events and museums. The native Indians came over from Calcutta about a hundred years ago and quickly established villages and temples around the lakes.
They have special ritual holidays involving flowers and grapes and canteloupes where tourist can go and watch the dancing and fruit flinging. You must be respectful of their traditions and not disturb the deep spiritual experience of the locals. Tourists are asked to cover themselves with cardboard boxes so as not to distract the worshippers.
You can feed a family on very little in Alberta because they have so little. Although
densely populated with cows and monkeys, their religion forbids the killing of these precious holy animals. There is no prohibition concerning the eating of them however. Don't be shocked by the occasional "incomplete" animals that wander the streets of little villages like Edmonton and Red Deer.
Wow! All this information is giving me the idea that the eighteen day hike to Alberta is worth it! Of course, it's a longer trip for you and your family but I'm sure there are ocean going vessels leaving Montreal every hour or so.
Hope this helps you!

Keep on travellin'!

Blitz