The Bombardment Continues

Well, It just keeps raining letters around here! Norv designed an early warning system for my house to protect me from unexpected and unwanted guests since my readers are starting to get more hostile as time goes by. Poor Lem had a Sofa fall on him when he rang the back bell over in the kitchen. I appreciated all the effort that Norv put into the system but after the sofa dropped, the scalding hot motor oil was overkill. Poor Lem.
He's assured me he's OK, although his voice is muffled by the bandages.
Anyway, people have been getting downright surly!
Here's an example:

"Mr. Krackhamburgler, or whatever your name is...
It would behoove you not to insult your fans by suggesting their minds are weak for loving you and admiring you and even sometimes dreaming about you. I have cut out hundreds of photos of you from all the magazines, and put them up all over my apartment with candles and such. How can you return my devotion with meanness. I am very hurt. My love lives on, but with sadness mixed into it like a milkshake."

This is from "Anonymous" who, as we know, suffers from some deep-seated need to obsess over very handsome and intelligent men of the world. I guess the truth indeed hurts!

Here's one from John Fastendin, a fan who I think is not from this earth:

"Let's start this comment with a little quiz:

1. Is Blitz Krutthammer so obstinate as to think that this can go on forever?

2. Why doesn't Blitz try doing something constructive for once in his life?

3. Essay: Compare and contrast Blitz's ultimata to those of immoral, headstrong cadgers, focusing especially on who is more likely to deface a social fabric that was already deteriorating.

It seems to me, and perhaps to you, that Blitz yearns to shift our society from a culture of conscience to a culture of consensus.

Although the dialectics of pea-brained praxis will stir up class hatred before you know it, in any decent society, Blitz would be just another myopic con artist standing on a streetcorner braying his nonsensical diatribes from atop a soapbox. Nevertheless, he has managed to gain some credibility among pompous serpents because they relate to the message that coercion in the name of liberty is a valid use of state power. He wants to take control of a nation and suck it dry. What's wrong with that? What's wrong is Blitz's gossamer grasp of reality. It is easy to see faults in others. But it takes perseverance to bring the communion of knowledge to all of us.

Now, if any namby-pamby crybabies out there take issue with my admittedly harsh tone, let me just say this: Blitz's op-ed pieces are one part antiheroism, two parts irrationalism.

There. I said it."

It's quite obvious that "John Fastendin" is a pseudonym for a representative of an alien race, perhaps from Mars, or Alhpa Centauri, or Uruguay. I know that the extraterrestrials know that I know that they know that I'm on to their schemes and they'll stop at nothing to shut me up. My mission to open the minds of the people through travel and international understanding doesn't sit well with these creatures, whose only desire is to enslave the earth and use it as a maintenance garage for their craft. They disguise themselves well and are spread all over the earth, working towards ruling the minds of unsuspecting men and women and horses.
They use crows as spies on land and barnacles for undersea intelligence gathering. That's why the boys and I keep a constant vigil in the UFO pit!
So nice try "John", (By the way, that's a sure sign of an Alien in disguise: they always take the name John!) but I'm on to your little scam. My millions of readers know and trust me because I present the truth as I know it.
Now back to Lem's place; it's time to change the bandages and I'm down to my last Sears catalogue - guess we won't have any toilet paper till the mail comes.
Keep on Travellin'!

Blitz