I bet you've been wondering where I've been all this time! Well I really don't know; there's a considerable amount of time I can't account for! All I remember was Lem telling me to try his new concoction which he labeled "SuperBeer". We had been keeping watch at the UFO pit when Lem suggested I take a swing of the brew; I remember him saying that he added some of his leftover nitrous oxide. It really pepped up his tractor so he thought it would really improve his home made beer. I started to notice sparkling lights in the sky and figured it was an extraterrestrial craft of some kind. The lights got brighter and wilder - then I woke up behind the barn - and it was two weeks later!
I've been checking my body for cuts and drill holes since then. Those alien probes can get pretty nasty.
Anyway, the mail's been piling up so I thought I'd catch up with you all:
Here's a letter from Grandmama P. Jickles:
"I want to alert readers of these travelogues by Blitz that you might want to take his tales with a grain of salt. I smell half-truths in much of what he writes, and suspect that much of it is reliant on false innuendo. Reader beware!"
We all know that old people are out of their minds with bitterness so we'll let this one pass. As you all know, I can verify everything I write about.
Here's another:
"Thank you for your stories. they are funny. say hi to pearly. i think she is funny too"
from andy
age 5
As we know, very young children are slow-witted and easily fooled. I know I've been smarter than children for years. This poor waif obviously finds everything to be a joke, even though I'm writing a serious travelogue.
Here's more:
"Your treatise on the nature of truth, Blitz, it BLEW ME AWAY. You are... so... deep."
This letter is from "Anonymous" and it makes sense why they wouldn't leave their name since this statement obviously reveals a weak mind.
Even more, this one in three parts:
"Oh Blitz! It's me again, and I've just read your latest missive. If I can be Frank, I must also be Lucid, so I have to say that I don't think Alaska is too high in my young family and I's "to visit" list. All that talk of butchering, well I don't think it's meet and good. It's not good, in any case."
This person definitely suffers from schizophrenia since he doesn't know if he's Frank or Lucy. The may be some gender identity problems in there as well.
"You didn't mention anything about music in the land of the midnight sun, and yet we all know that Juneau awards are handed out every year..."
Although Alaska was a hotbet of musical creativity back in the renaissance, it has gradually succumbed to the needs of the heavy Tourist trade. Alaska has the highest concentration of tribute bands in the entire world! The most popular are Van Palin, a Van Halen tribute band and Huddie Pankowsky, a Kenny Rogers impersonator. The Juneau awards are handed out in Fairbanks but nobody ever shows up to receive them. There's a big dumpster behind the theater where the show takes place and there's awards in badger dens all over the region. Badgers also collect Actra Awards.
"Maybe next time you'll help us understand the particular draw that you seem to have to barnacles? Seems to be a running thread for you, and it's something the missus and I commented on the other day as we were reading outloud to our young family."
I can't help it if barnacles are everywhere on earth. I just report the truth as I know it.
"Gotta run.
Mandatory in Montreal"
I guess he's running for office as a Conservative.
Here's one from RR Dahoofers:
"Do you have an accent? Can't tell from your writings. Dollars to donuts you do!"
No, you pronounce my name as written. I dispensed with all gratuitous umlouts.
Gus writes:
"I don't buy the part about The bikinis. Gus out."
Gus is angry because his parents named him Gus. Poor Gus.
And finally:
Mr. Blitz, have you ever been to Whistler, where they're having some if the skiing events at the Olympics?
Yvette Goya (née Cap)
No, I've never been to Whistler. Maximillian says he's been there but never heard any whistling. It used to be named "Yodeller" but that fell out of favor when Roger Whittaker showed up there for a concert. They also like Slim Whitman.
I hope my answers help.
Keep on travellin"!
Blitz
Monday, February 15, 2010
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2 comments:
Dear Mr. Klappenhammer,
One of my colleagues pointed me in the direction of your blog, with particular reference to your pet badger, "Pearly". As a specialist in veterinarian medicine, I have a particular interest in the animal (Arctonyx collaris), and indeed, in other members of the weasel family.
I don't want to bore you with technical jargon, but in reading your quaint accounts, it is quite clear to me that you are suffering from symptoms common with those who have been bitten by the badger. I refer to your episodes of passing out, of finding yourself in pits in various states of consciousness, of general spiteful rambling, and of experiencing selective paranoia.
To reassure you, there is a remedy, which I would be more than happy to pass on, or even administer if you would allow. I would ask you first to check for bites or scrapes on your person, which would be indicative of a badger bite. You may have had these bites for some time, so please think back a bit, or perhaps look for... old scars. (What you may have assumed were scrapes from barnacles may in fact be something a little more dire).
Please do be in touch.
Mr. Krackhamburgler, or whatever your name is...
It would behoove you not to insult your fans by suggesting their minds are weak for loving you and admiring you and even sometimes dreaming about you. I have cut out hundreds of photos of you from all the magazines, and put them up all over my apartment with candles and such. How can you return my devotion with meanness. I am very hurt. My love lives on, but with sadness mixed into it like a milkshake.
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