We Remember Women

I received another letter from Dr. Lucas Fritzkoff, D.V.M. the other day:

"Mr. Klappenhammer,

Let me start by saying that I'm encouraged by your quick response. It shows you to be on the uptick, at least with respect to your mental impulses.

Now, with regard to your condition, I'm afraid that your rebuttal has actually confirmed the worst for me; denial is one of the symptoms of badger bite, let there be no doubt.

My colleagues and I at the Institute took it upon ourselves to discussing your situation the other day over meatloaf (and I must admit, albeit reluctantly, you have become somewhat of a 'cause celebre' in these parts, no less among the faculty as among the student body) --and while we didn't reach a consensus, the general opinion is that you do require some clinical attention.

To that end, I am therefore asking a good professional acquaintance of mine who practices in your area to call on you. I ask you to give Dr. Loquada Flast your full and complete attention; she is merely coming to help, at my bequest.

Hang tight Mr. Klappenhammer, I'm certain you'll be alright in the long run. And please, pay no mind to hangers-on and delinquent minds, whom I notice tend to congregate on your blog.
Dr. Lucas Fritzkoff, D.V.M."

A lot of what he writes doesn't make much sense but I did pick up on something of interest: He wants to send Dr. Loquada Flast to us - a woman!
That got me to thinking, Ma passed on in nineteen eighty two and we chased away a female Census taker in eighty six; I think that's the last time we saw a human female around here! I know it sounds odd but what with my travel diary and paranormal investigations, time has just slipped by.
Porky Smuts has been hanging around for the last while and he claims to have most recently seen a woman, over at his home town of Uranium City. He says that you can tell the women apart from the men because they glow a more bluish radioactive green.
I asked if there were other ways you could tell women apart from men but he wasn't sure since the women look a lot like men, and the men look like bears.
I asked Pearly if he knew the difference; he said it was easy - the women have fewer whiskers and can feed up to eight young at a time. We finally concluded that he was making reference to Leona, the badger he lived with in the Northwest Territories for so many years.
Maximillian claimed he'd seen a female Sasquatch on one of his vigils. She looked a lot like her male companion but had tied bows and flowers on her head and under her armpits. His last experience with a human woman was in Primate Saskatchewan, when he stopped at a Tim Hortons drive-through and talked to a lady through the bullet proof plexiglass. He remembered she was much bigger than he was but had a higher pitched voice. He liked how she giggled when she remarked that Maximillian had no car.(he thought it was rude and presumptuous to enter a restaurant without being invited)
Lem said that his mother was the last woman he ever saw. That was just before he decided he didn't need to go to school and went instead to live on a mountain in order to acquire wisdom. I don't know where that was, since there's so many mountains in Saskatchewan. Lem thought that by living for five years in total silence and isolation, his brain would connect with brainwaves passing through the atmosphere. His reasoning was that the higher thinkers sent their brainwaves through the upper terrasphere. It didn't work. He claims that his perfect serenity was disrupted when that mountain goat head-butted him down the slope during rutting season.
Needless to say, when he finally got back home, his mother was gone. She left him a note stating that she was leaving to start a new life with the local science teacher (who gave Lem the the idea for acquiring higher wisdom). She also left him a pack of twelve "Swift's Premium" hotdogs in the freezer. He says that he still keeps the hotdogs under his pillow. (don't worry, they're vacuum sealed)
Norv was raised with five sisters but only realized they were women after he had joined the army (actually the North Saskatchewan militia). They had a strict dress code and Norv was told that he couldn't wear dresses if he wanted to serve. He remembers the first time he put on a pair of pants; he was twenty four years old.
All this to say we're looking forward to a visit from Dr. Loquada Flast! We'll take her to see all the sights that Angus Hat has to offer.
Here's the instructions for getting here:
Take the Trans Canada highway till you get to a grain elevator with an abandoned Texaco station next to it. There's a dirt road heading north right near there. it's the only one that comes this way - in fact, it becomes Main Street here in Angus Hat! Stay on the dirt road for about four hundred and eighty five miles and you'll come to a big rock. The road will veer west and you'll go another three hundred and eighteen miles until you come to a clump of trees. The road will veer north and you'll go another two hundred and sixty six miles until you get to a farmhouse. Then you travel another forty four miles and you'll see the sign for Angus Hat. Then it's another hundred and seventy one miles north west and here you are! Remember to fill up your gas tank since there's no filling stations until you get here. Then you can go to Lem's filling station. He sells gas.
We'll be cranking out sausages (I just got a shipment of fresh barnacles from Lake Saskatoon) until you arrive!

Keep on travellin'!

Blitz