BELGIUM

TRAVELS
with Blitz Krutthammer

BELGIUM

Eggs can’t taste any better when their fried in bear grease! My dilema lies in the fact that my local Walmart doesn’t carry the product - neither does Canada’s own Zellers for that matter.
I’m not one to be easily discouraged so I thought for this vacation time, being that it’s April and bear hunting season, I’d plan my trip to a destination that is known for it’s huge bear population - Belgium!
It’s a mystery why so many bears live in that little country. Some say it’s because of the isolated mountains with waterfalls rich in salmon and herring. Others say it’s because the lakes and rivers are full of barnacles, which the bears eat and use to make their nests.
All I know is, where there’s bear, there’s grease!
I’ll be taking the northern route in my RV which will also double as my hunting lodge. I’m currently nailing logs to the outside of it for that natural, eco-friendly look. I’ll be taking along my buddies Norv and Lem and we’ll have a great old time breathing that mountain air and snuggling together on those frosty nights! It sure gets cold there in April! In fact it wil be getting colder as the days pass since the seasons run opposite to Canada’s, being that Belgium’s in the western hemisphere.
Lucky for us Belgium is so sparsely populated, it will be relatively easy to spot bears. Norv is almost finished building his bear press, which we’ll use to squeeze the grease out of the little critters! I’m told that in Lithuania, they have domesticated bears on farms and they squeeze the grease out of them every year during bear squeezing season!
Lem is sowing together the dragnet we’ll be using to catch the little furballs (maybe I’ll keep one as a pet!). He told me that one time he caught a Sasquatch family in one of his bigger nets. But more about history later!
Even though Belgium is mostly wilderness, there’s still culture and nightlife to be had. Belgians pride themselves on their yodeling skills; so much so that they are the only country in the area to have an all yodelling grand opera! This year the Yodelfest will feature Cavalaria Rusticana and Pagliachi over four nights. I hope we’ll have gotten enough bear grease by then!
As for the more common folk, they’re out most evenings at the local watering holes having a swell time telling tall tales. Storytelling is a treasured passtime of these hardy people since they have no television or radio. If they aren’t out at a function or bar, they’re probably participating in the national yodel choir! At sunset, everyone comes out into the street or road or field and yodels the national anthem at the top of their lungs! It should be a wonderful experience for us visitors.
We hope to have some meals out and we’ve heard that Belgium does have a few fine restaurants. As you’ve probably guessed, bear meat dominates most menus! They have a national dish that’s similar to the Hungarian Paeailla. Instead of chicken, it’s bear meat and barnacles are substituted for the clams. Since they have no rice, they use the Belgian type of wild rice which is pine needles. The national drink is water and they have all kinds of creative ways to drink it. Traditionalists use a bear skull mug. The artsy types drink out of barnacle shells.
There are apparently two distinct cultures in Belgium: the Flamers and the Waltons. If you’re unfamiliar with the languages you can communicate with sign language or pictograms. That’s why I always keep a box of crayons handy!
Well, these logs can’t nail themselves!

Keep on travelling,

Blitz