Conesus Lake

Have you ever longed, with the deepest longing until your heart ached, the tears rolling down your face in torrents, the razor inches from your wrist as you tie the rope around your neck and cock the pistol next to your head as you prepare to jump off the bridge? That kind of longing?
I'm referring to my pal Norv who told me that he misses his home town. I personally can't share that kind of deep, self destructive, despairing kind of feeling since I've spent my whole life here in Angus Hat!
Norv hails from the eastern metropolis known as Conesus Lake! As you may have already guessed, there's a lake there and invariably, where there's a lake - there's water!
Conesus Lake is like an oasis in a desert, because it actually IS in a desert! Norv said that the Conesus Lake region has the largest salt flats in the world. Drag racing is very popular there. after the Drag race there's usually a broadway revue and cabaret show. They stage these at the local Casino. Conesians love to gamble! Apart from the formal games of chance there are local games on the streets and in people's homes as well. There's Conesian Roulette where they take a revolver and remove one bullet and the see who survives. There's also Friday night Badger dropping from one of many skyscrapers in the inner city downtown core. There are two camps in this game: one camp strangles the badger before they drop it, thinking that they fall faster; the other camp throws them over alive. Either way it's fun for the whole family!
And speaking of family:
Norv comes from the South family, who are of German descent. There's also a North family of Italian descent. They are called that because there are only two names in Conesus Lake. The Norths live on the northern shore and the Souths along the southern shore.
Up until nineteen thirty two they used the original names: the German families were the Hitlers and the Italians were the Mussolinis. But more about history later!
Let's get back to the fun stuff! The lake itself is huge and each side has it's own navy. But there's lots of leisure activity going on as well. There are always boats on the water and that seems normal enough but closer inspection reveals that they are research ships searching for the Conesus Lake Monster, known affectionately as "Connie". Local scientists have discovered that the scent of alcohol attracts Connie so the plucky scientists spend entire weekends on the water, cracking open bottle after bottle, hoping to catch a glimpse of the fearsome creature. Some say Connie's a giant catfish, others say it's a sea serpent that was land-locked after the great eruption of the Syracuse Volcano back in the early fifties. There are still people living who saw the mushroom cloud that fateful day.
Conesus Lake is a haven for scientists and boasts the world's largest extraterrestrial museum in the world - maybe even the universe! There's also an amusement park that specializes in the paranormal:
Amazingly, a row of old condemned houses on Goering Avenue are all haunted! For a paltry seventy nine dollars you can go from house to house and chance the possibility of contacting spirits from another dimension! The folks who run this fantastic funpark can't guarantee you'll see an entity of any kind, but if you don't hear a creaking step or noises in the walls, your money will be cheerfully refunded!
Well, when you've had enough of the fast paced city life, you can go out in the wilderness that surrounds the lake for some hunting and hiking. Hunters love the area because it's rich in Gophers and Gila Monsters. Hikers love it because it's flat and there's nothing to climb!
Back at the lake, Norv tells me that there has been an annual regatta there for the past six hundred years. We're not really sure what a regatta is but it must really be something to keep it going for six hundred years! Norv thinks it involves digging pits on the beach and throwing in hot embers followed by a big washtub of water. Then the locals throw in clams, crayfish, corn, squirrels and barnacles to boil. Then they eat it. It's a blast!
The local people are warm and friendly but you have to be a bit careful how friendly because they have been having a problem with cannibalism. Oddly enough there are no Scottish clans in the area so it remains a mystery how it all started.
All in all it sounds like a great place - can't wait to dig into those boiled barnacles!

Keep on travellin'!

Blitz