Alaska Cruise

Pearly's been hankering for a vacation. I think it's the winter - and thoughts of love, dancing through his head like Ruby Keeler's clogs, that are making him swoon every time he strokes any kind of fur. I think he still has feelings for Leona, the badger that nurtured him in a time of trouble. We were starting to get really concerned about Pearly the last few weeks. Lem, Norv and I were skipping rocks on the snow the other day and Pearly just walked right by us as if he didn't know us! We later found out that Pearly has decided he's a "badger whisperer". He claws a shallow pit in the dirt and rubs his face in until he "makes contact" with the "underworld". Now I'm considered a local expert in the paranormal but this is even too weird for me!
Norv suggested we go on an Alaska cruise! Alaska!
Alaska has always fascinated me. Any word that's a palindrome. Like Alfalfa. It ends where it begins - just like a juicy worm. The kind Leona used to bring to Pearly every morning. Poor Pearly.
Anyway, a cruise sounds like just the thing to snap our friend out of his blues. Alaska is famous for it's cruises. You can take a cruise along the sunny coastline! Pearly will enjoy taking in all the sights - especially the bikini-clad sunbathers who populate the many beaches. Another cruise is the riverboat trip through crocodile infested waters that navigates down to Lake Alaska, the country's huge central lake. The lake has a very high concentration of salt so anything caught in it only needs pepper!
Whichever cruise you choose, it's guaranteed that the food will be top notch! Alaska has six growing seasons because, due to a particular anomaly in the earth's rotation, the sun never goes down! Because of this, the locals keep a black bag on their heads for five to eight hours a day - but the farms welcome Mr. Sun twenty four seven! Under these conditions on a typical Alaskan farm, Cucumbers look like anacondas hanging from the branches and Kohlrabis grow to the size of watermelons - be sure and save me the stems! Since Alaska is almost completely flat, they're able to raise prize cattle and swine. It's the only place in the world where you will see cattle wearing sunglasses and broad brimmed straw hats for eight hours a day. Since they are such a hardy people, their restaurants are a bit more primitive than the fine dining salons of Angus Hat Saskatchewan. The Alaskan locals like to butcher the meat in the restaurant themselves! Every eatery is configured as a buffet with a a giant butcher block and bone saw ensemble right next to the carcass of the day. You take the cut you want and hand it to the chef who prepares it according to your taste - as long as your taste is for boiled meat! The simmering tub is next to the bone saw. Favorite sides include boiled potatoes, boiled corn, boiled barnacles and of course kohlrabi!
I know Pearly will love the many spas open year round. These are not your typical resorts; because of the constant sunshine, these spas feature treatments to make you pale. Everyone is in darkness for their entire visit. You can spend the afternoon in a sensory deprivation tank, a personal steam closet or just lounge around an underground lake! We'll have a great time, as long as we don't lose our flashlights!
The beauty of a cruise is that once we've spent a day or two with the "Landlubbers", we can hop back on our boat and off we go to another destination. I haven't mentioned what goes on on board as you go from port to port: Of course there's fine dining, but what to do between meals? As I mentioned, Alaskans are a hardy breed so the activities reflect their culture. The most popular activity on board is live game hunting. Elk and pronghorn roam the lower decks and you can rent rifles, crossbows and warhammers to hunt them. The only stipulation is that you have to share your kill with the rest of the passengers at the next buffet. Fishing is also popular as is boatside climbing: One of the crew throws you overboard and you climb back up the side of the boat. That sounds too easy doesn't it? Well, they want to make it a little more challenging so you have to wear a weighted suit! It's also customary that passengers throw things at you in order to impede your progress. What a great way to make friends!
Well, Im going to have to get Pearly's head out of the ground so I'll have to stop for now.
Just one parting thought:
In the millions of responses I get, every now and then there's some gloomy gus who questions the veracity of my information. Let me just say that everything is true if I think it is.
Keep on travellin'!
Blitz