Beautiful Saskatchewan

I received a lovely letter from one of my fans in Belgium:

Hello and Hi,

I read about your travel website in some papers I received from the Michelin Travel bureau (Michelin Go-Bureau) here in the university in Brussels (Belgique). I would like to travel to parts of Canada this summer, and I would like to know about the good places to stay. Can you recommend me please? I am student. I am looking for places with nice prices and for the clean beddings.

Thank you and bless you.
Lisa M.

Well Lisa, I can't think of a better place in Canada than my own home province, Saskatchewan! I've written about my home town but I think it's time to expand your collective horizons and share the wonders of this place with Lisa and the rest of you millions of readers.
As I've mentioned before, there's only one road that cuts across the lower portion of Saskatchewan, right along the Mexican border, but if you're coming in from Hamilton, you'll have to hike it over the mountains. It's not very long and only marginally hazardous. If you keep heading northwest from the Steel City you'll eventually come to the "Carrot River", one of Saskatchewan's natural borders. The Carrot River is so named because every seven years, herds of rabbits fling themselves from the cliffs of Carrot Canyon right into Carrot Gorge and certain death! The river runs orange for weeks!
No one knows why this phenomenon occurs but there's a rustic resort that you can stay at that's just under the cliff. If you're lucky enough to be there for "Rabbit Drop" the resort supplies you with over-sized fishing nets and a personal deep frier!
After you cross the river you can head south to "Elbow", a quaint town across the "Sucker River" from "Eyebrow"! Elbow is smack-dab in the heart of the wheat belt, which runs across the middle of Saskatchewan. Elbow was where a Spanish archer's remains where discovered. Leading anthropologists believe that Elbow and Eyebrow were the fabled
El Dorito "the city of gold" the Concuspidors were searching for. There's nice lodgings in Elbow and an interesting museum that's housed in a piano crate containing the skull and index finger of Wingo Ishbosheth, the world's fattest man. What's his connection with this area, you may ask? There's a little known Dukabor restaurant in Elbow that serves the best Lard and Bacon Pie in the world! Just be prepared for the elderly waitresses; if you don't give them a tip, they take their clothes off in protest.
If you meander down the Sucker River some more, you arrive at "Grizzly Bear's Head", a bustling tourist attraction with the only Slaughterhouse / Casino in the province!(Ontario has six!) "Butchering Day" is obviously the busiest time of the year but you'll have to book early for the "Twelve Links of Xmas" sausage festival. There are some wonderful hotels in the area and they are moderately priced if you agree to gamble or kill at least two dozen chickens for them.
"Holdfast" is your next stop along the river; If you see where this town is situated, you'll know how it got it's name. It was built by Russian Orthodox monks on a cliff overlooking the river. The dwellings are actually dug into the cliff wall almost four hundred feet above the water. Most people thing that it was built to keep out hostile natives, but Lem tells me that he heard it was to prevent attacks from Aristotelian philosophers. Who'd'a'thunk it?
If you head directly west from there you'll arrive at "Primate", a retirement village for Showbiz apes, monkeys and Anglican leaders. The Church of England built a beautiful Jungle Gym right in the middle of "Hide Park" where the local tanners work.
There are no hotels, but there are several public tree houses.
"Yellow Grass", just adjacent to Primate, was a favorite grazing area for Buffalo herds until they were all killed off by the hot lead virus. It was originally named Yellow Snow but the town council felt it was in poor taste. I wouldn't recommend Yellow Grass for a stay-over; the folks there are so prudish that they never bathe or shower because they're afraid of taking their clothes off! If you decide to go, bring along a Dukabor waitress.
"Porcupine Plain" is nestled in a valley between two mountain ranges, just a few miles south of Yellow Grass. It was named by Scottish explorers who foolishly roamed through the high brush in their kilts. There's a hotel in town but their "continental breakfast" is a cup of warm water and a handful of rolled oats.
At that point, you're not far from Big Beaver! This resort town is on the shore of Lake Saskatoon, the massive central lake of Saskatchewan. The beavers are so big along this lake, their abandoned dens are used as motels! Some biologists claim that the mineral content in the lake water is responsible for their size, others say it's the rich supply of barnacles, the favored food of these flat-tailed rodents.
You'll want to spend most of your vacation time along the shores of this wonderful lake. I've often said that I'd like to tour Saskatchewan myself but I'm so busy with writing and answering mail - well, you know how it is.
Hope this helps you Lisa.
Keep on travellin'!

Blitz