The Mail Keeps Pouring In!

It's getting harder to keep up with the enormous amount of mail that I'm being flooded with. John Fasendyne's acid pen notwithstanding, there are so many with legitimate questions that I'll try to answer:
Harv Saad writes,
"This is so wacky. I love it!! Would you consider having your friends Lem and Pearly write something sometime? That would be sooo cooool!! Maybe they would like it too!"
Well Harv, as much as I would love for the boys to write for me, the sad truth is that they can't write. Lem doesn't read or write; You may ask, "how does he run his filling station without any of these basic skills?" I await your queries.
As for Pearly, he is quite literate but his nails are so long, he can't hold a pen or use a typewriter. He can, however, carve big letters in the dirt so as to be seen from a great height. He is currently working on a huge project that occupies an entire wheat farm. He is creating giant symbols for extraterrestrials to use as a directional guide for various parts of our planet - similar to the Fresca Lines in South America.
Maxamillian is quite fluent in english but can only read and write Southern Austro-Bavarian German and Yiddish.
Norv knows how to write but does not want anything tangible traced back to him. He's convinced that NORAD thinks he's Soviet Russia and will launch missiles if they can get a bead on him.
Porky Smuts isn't interested in the written word; he's into pod casting - every time he shucks sugar peas. So you see, it's left to me.
Here's another letter from Anonymous:Hello.
"I am a first-time reader of your wonderful travel diary. Please can you tell me, what is the origin of your fascinating name? Why did your parents choose to name you "Blitz"? Is it a nickname? Short for something else? Or is that indeed your given name? I am very curious about the world around me, and its inhabitants.
Thank you."
Well, if you must know, Blitz is not my given name. My dad, Vilhelm King Of The Hobos, gave me the nickname when he saw me playing my favorite game. My brother Homer would make a long twisting wall of cans and jars across the kitchen entrance to protect himself while he ate his lunch. I would constantly fool him by going around the outside of the house and burst unexpectedly through the back door, quickly seizing Homer's wild mushroon and Jello pudding sandwich.
Dad would laugh and yell "Blitzkreig!", then he'd get all misty eyed and start singing "Lily Marlene" till mama got mad and threw something at him - usually an old boot.
I miss those days.
Here's more:
"Blitz,
Do you have any photographs of the UFO's or suskwatches you're always looking for? I think it would help science if you provided these. You might even get a Nobel Prize and travel all the way to the Philipines where they give it out. Then you could write about the Philipines in this blog. It would kind of be a "circle of life"."
I'm holding on to all my evidence of investigations of the paranormal for a future book so I'm not divulging anything for now.
As for the Nobel prize, it's not given out in the Philipines, but Norway! someone asked me about it last year. Here's their letter and my response:

"Makes me want to travel to Norway. The coffee & cinnamon buns are a bit steep, though. I heard they give out Peace Prizes. How much are those?"

"Nobel Prizes are usually found free inside boxes of "Fluegwartz" which are little deep fried puffs made of ground herring and chocolate. A 17 gram box of Fluegwartz retails for about 180.00euros.
Hope this helps you,
Blitz"
Here's an odd one:
"Is Big Beaver [Saskatchewan] the place where Beaver Tails, the delectable treat, originated? I tasted them first in Thailand, and they were absolutely delicious with hot sauce."
This question has a few responses- They don't sell beaver tails in in Big Beaver. The city was founded by Scottish explorers and traders so the traditional food is "Bevaggis" a mixture of oats, barnacles and pine needles cooked and sealed in a beaver's stomach.
Big beaver is famous because of the tail, however. The tails were dried in the sun until they hardened and were then used as paddles for table tennis. They were sold world-wide until the near extinction of the toothy rodent.
What you tasted in Thailand was an actual ping pong paddle that was softened in alkali, caustic soda and hydrochloric acid, then dipped in a mixture of molasses and iodine. The "hot sauce" is actually chocolate syrup. Your lips were being burned by the caustic soda and hydrochloric acid residue.
And still more:
"C'mon, all you Blitz Followers! ROAD TRIP!!!!!!!!! We can meet in Hamilton, and leave from there. Is there a campsite in Angus Hat that can accomodate up to 10,000? Also, are there any spa resorts there for facials? I hear the hot desert air in Saskatchewan plays havoc with the skin."
The person who wrote this little missive is obviously unaware of Saskatchewan's topography; with two mountain ranges, a giant central lake and huge fields of wheat and artichokes, there's no room for a desert. This person is obviously thinking of the land around Hamilton Ontario, which sits in the middle of an arid desert.
There are no campsites to speak of around here but there's plenty of room. Your only difficulty will be with the wildlife and some of the local animals as well.
We don't have a spa, but there are several pits, bogs and wallows around this vicinity so what we normally do is lie down in one of these depressions and have a friend shovel dirt over us. Then we lie there and relax. It's a form of sensory deprivation. It helps to clear your mind. Just remember to keep a long straw in your mouth!
Well, that's it for now!
Keep on travellin'!
Blitz