Well that didn't take too long! I just got this letter from Dr. Lucas Fritzkoff, D.V.M.:
Dear Mr. Klappenhammer,
"One of my colleagues pointed me in the direction of your blog, with particular reference to your pet badger, "Pearly". As a specialist in veterinarian medicine, I have a particular interest in the animal (Arctonyx collaris), and indeed, in other members of the weasel family.
I don't want to bore you with technical jargon, but in reading your quaint accounts, it is quite clear to me that you are suffering from symptoms common with those who have been bitten by the badger. I refer to your episodes of passing out, of finding yourself in pits in various states of consciousness, of general spiteful rambling, and of experiencing selective paranoia.
To reassure you, there is a remedy, which I would be more than happy to pass on, or even administer if you would allow. I would ask you first to check for bites or scrapes on your person, which would be indicative of a badger bite. You may have had these bites for some time, so please think back a bit, or perhaps look for... old scars. (What you may have assumed were scrapes from barnacles may in fact be something a little more dire).
Please do be in touch."
I appreciate the good doctor's concern but I can assure you that there's nothing wrong with me. I'm considered the healthiest and most accomplished in all of Angus Hat - and that includes cats, dogs and horses! Also, I'd like to point out that Pearly is not a badger. Of course, he does retain some badger-like characteristics from his years of living underground with Leona: His nails are quite long and he combs his bushy eyebrows up and to the sides. He also still eats crickets - even though he swears he hasn't touched one in years. But other than that, he's fine.
I have found marks on my body over the last few years but those are obviously left there by extraterrestrials during my "lost time" events. In my case, the aliens have been adding rather than removing parts from me. I have two livers and three aortas!And I've never had to visit a doctor since Lem creates all kinds of cure-alls and Norv built his own home made Xray machine (how else would I know about the two livers?)
So no need to worry about old Blitz; I'm doing just fine!
Tuesday, February 16, 2010
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3 comments:
Let's start this comment with a little quiz:
1. Is Blitz Krutthammer so obstinate as to think that this can go on forever?
2. Why doesn't Blitz try doing something constructive for once in his life?
3. Essay: Compare and contrast Blitz's ultimata to those of immoral, headstrong cadgers, focusing especially on who is more likely to deface a social fabric that was already deteriorating.
It seems to me, and perhaps to you, that Blitz yearns to shift our society from a culture of conscience to a culture of consensus.
Although the dialectics of pea-brained praxis will stir up class hatred before you know it, in any decent society, Blitz would be just another myopic con artist standing on a streetcorner braying his nonsensical diatribes from atop a soapbox. Nevertheless, he has managed to gain some credibility among pompous serpents because they relate to the message that coercion in the name of liberty is a valid use of state power. He wants to take control of a nation and suck it dry. What's wrong with that? What's wrong is Blitz's gossamer grasp of reality. It is easy to see faults in others. But it takes perseverance to bring the communion of knowledge to all of us.
Now, if any namby-pamby crybabies out there take issue with my admittedly harsh tone, let me just say this: Blitz's op-ed pieces are one part antiheroism, two parts irrationalism.
There. I said it.
Speak AMERICAN, Mr. John Hoidy-Toidy Fastendin.
No one can understand a word you're saying. We haven't ALL gone to some fancy high school, you know!!!!
Mr. Klappenhammer,
Let me start by saying that I'm encouraged by your quick response. It shows you to be on the uptick, at least with respect to your mental impulses.
Now, with regard to your condition, I'm afraid that your rebuttal has actually confirmed the worst for me; denial is one of the symptoms of badger bite, let there be no doubt.
My colleagues and I at the Institute took it upon ourselves to discussing your situation the other day over meatloaf (and I must admit, albeit reluctantly, you have become somewhat of a 'cause celebre' in these parts, no less among the faculty as among the student body) --and while we didn't reach a consensus, the general opinion is that you do require some clinical attention.
To that end, I am therefore asking a good professional acquaintance of mine who practices in your area to call on you. I ask you to give Dr. Loquada Flast your full and complete attention; she is merely coming to help, at my bequest.
Hang tight Mr. Klappenhammer, I'm certain you'll be alright in the long run. And please, pay no mind to hangers-on and delinquent minds, whom I notice tend to congregate on your blog.
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