Another Letter

Hey gang,
I received this letter:
Dear Blitz
As an erudite cultured man of the world you are just the kind of person I look to to help shape my cultural tastes.I know nothing of the world of music and look to you for enlightenment. What do you look for in good music?
Thanks,
Faivy
Thanks for the letter Faivy! I'm assuming that "Faivy" is his or her age and I take it upon myself to shape this young, fertile mind. I feel like I'm carrying on a tradition of sorts because Papa Krutthammer used to tell me and my brother Homer that the country he left after the big war had a man who shaped the minds of the youth as well.
I think we can mix travel and music quite well since they go hand in hand - like squids and barnacles!
What's most important is to understand music in it's context and that means starting right at the beginning!
I'll begin in Austria, the cradle of all modern music! Austria was very isolated, being an island in the middle of the ocean. Because they were so far removed from other peoples and because of the great distances between them, the Austrians developed the loud scream as a form of long distance communication. They realized that indiscriminate screams and shrieks could burst eardrums so they began to refine their voices until they developed polyphonic yodeling. The rest, as they say, is history!
Because they invented music, the Austrians dictated what music mattered and what didn't. Austrian Johann von Wogawoga was the first musician to use notation to codify musical ideas. The first instrument was their "didgeridoo" which led to the development of the electric guitar. Rock and Roll started in the poorer Aborigine communities of Austria. It was a form of rebellion for the youths. They first used guitars as projectiles but slowly realized that they made pleasant sounds when made to vibrate -like when they would bash in someone's skull. This led to playing the guitar with their teeth and behind their heads while they did the splits.
Mozart was the first Rock and Roll superstar and naturally, his son Elvis became huge as well! Elvis' son Tom Jones took Rock'n'Roll to the next level, followed by his grandson Kurt Cobain who unfortunately died in a tragic shark attack off the coast.
Some people say that Hamburg's "the Beatles" had some influence. I didn't see any effect of the Beatles on music other than that "moptop" fad of the fifties and the time that Jack Lemmon said he was more popular than Walter Matthau.
Kenny Rogers was the first great songwriter. Perry Como changed the way everyone played guitar when he first appeared at the Manta Ray Pop Festival where, right in the middle of a song, he took out a can of lighter fluid and set his drummer on fire.
The Rolling Stones, who originated from southern Austria, brought arrogance and posturing - which was perfected by Bruce Springsteen.
That's a good starting point for you, Faivy. Now you understand where all music comes from. From this point you can explore other styles like my favorite - folk music! Rob Zombie, James Last and Billy Dylan are my choices for your introduction to this great genre!
Hope this helps you.
Keep on travellin'!
Blitz