South Australia

You may have read my previous article on Northern Australia, and as exciting and interesting as it may be in Darwin - what with the snow and volcanos - It can't match the brilliance of this diamond of the southern hemisphere: South Australia!
I'm planning to go to the area known as Sydney; I'm pretty certain that there's a settlement there. I've been told that it was founded by criminals and murderers (I bet Pearly and Norv have relatives there!-Just kidding guys!) but is now populated by contestants from previous episodes of Survivor and the Amazing Race. As I've stated, Australia is a huge continent (spanning six time zones!) with every type of climate and environment imaginable, but Sydney is special: Because of it's unique location on the southern coast, resting between the warm waters of the Atlantic and the massive mountain range a few miles inland, the temperature varies between seventy eight and eighty two degrees farenheit all year round, making it the ideal vacation location!
Because of it's perfect weather, Sun Worshippers from all over flock to it's fabulous beaches. Just remember that human sacrifice is no longer allowed within the town limits.
You'll have to change your Canadian currency into Aussie Dollars since they don't have envelopes or any type of container to keep our money in. Australian Dollars are not made of paper like ours; they are made out of hard ceramic and are the size of small dice with the value in dot form, since Australians can't read.
In fact, everything writtenis in a pictogrammic form call Austroglyphics, similar to the sign language used in the north. It makes for an excellent international language but makes books prohibitably heavy. Each "Hardy Boys" book is the size of a suitcase and classics like "War and Peace" are as big as compact cars!
But who wants to learn anything or improve himself when there's all that great sunshine and water! Surfing is very popular because of the waves - like no other in the world; Waves start over a mile off shore and just get bigger as they close in. That's why beach chairs and chaise lounges are on thirty six foot stilts! Needless to say, you can't just lie on a blanket.
There are two dangers in the waters around Sydney: firstly, the razor sharp barnacles on the ocean floor and secondly, the Great White Shark!
South Australia is world famous for the teeming masses of Great Whites just off shore.
Surfing can be dangerous at certain times of the year as massive schools of sharks attack surfboards from below. The spring is the worst time of year for shark attacks so some surfers use large Austroglyphic novels or lash smaller books like Nancy Drew mysteries into rafts to withstand the attacks.
The sharks don't stop there. At the height of spring they leave the water and form gangs that roam the streets late at night, turning over garbage cans, egging doors and eating pet dogs and cats. If it weren't for the crocodiles in the sewers there would be no hope! My plan is to go during the winter when the sharks migrate to the Italian Riviera.
Anybody hungry? There are no restaurants to speak of but there are outdoor vendors selling food out of their "Foddercarts" as they are called by the locals. Aussies love pork - and crunchy deep fried lizards. You can have snack lizards like geckos or the "bigboy" which is a small monitor lizard - about five feet nose to tail.
Favorite vegetables are carrots and avocados, whatever those are.
All in all, I can't wait to get there! Right now, I'm deep frying a garter snake I caught in the barn, just to get used to the taste of reptile.

Keep on travellin'!

Blitz