John Fastenden of Hamilton

It never ceases to amaze me how the Extraterrestrial infestation of our planet continues to eat away at the fabric of civility and good judgment. John Fastenden continues to harass me with wild accusations and vitriolic personal attacks. My question is this: Are you in a blind rage because you are part of a nefarious scheme hatched by the reptilian emperor of some distant planet in another galaxy, or is it because your secret headquarters are in Hamilton Ontario? I'm going with the latter.
Hamilton is a dangerous, depressing place. I was told by my dear old dad, Vilhelm the King of the Hobos that Hamilton actually has a triumphal gate on the main highway that reads:"Abandon Hope, Wallets and Lunchboxes, All Ye Who Enter By This Gate". Since dad had no control over his destinations on his travels, he would cower and tremble in the corner of the boxcar when he saw the dull black skyline of that horrible city.
It was commonly known as "Steel Town" or "The Steel City". Pops said it was because all their Skyscrapers had their girders riveted on the outside of the building, since the architect was dyslexic. It was also known as "Sluice Town" because the streets and sidewalks were angled on a ten degree slope towards the center of the city where a giant stainless steel drain received anything that rolled, dripped or oozed down the streets. There was a steel grate over the drain to catch anything larger than a badger - that's why only large dogs and very fat cats roamed the alleys and byways of the city.
Every morning work crews would unclog the grates of objects that had fallen in: Cars, bicycles, skateboarders, squeegee punks, and of course, murder victims. Hamilton is easily the murder capital of Canada. It is actually a municipal law that all high officials (or "Hamilton Fatcats"), from school crossing guard to mayor, have to take office by assassinating their opponent. It goes without saying that the city is heavily armed, although there are very few guns in the area. It seems that Hamilgonians operate on the extremes: either they use clubs and other blunt objects - or explosives. Either way, it only adds to the messiness of the city.
There are some moderately interesting activities for anyone crazy enough to consider a holiday there.
The number one sport is football, a curious activity comprised of two squads of men (and very burly women) who line up on opposite sides of a field and proceed to kick each other continuously while one player on each team tries to slip through the lines with a ball for some prize or purpose of which I'mn not sure. This is the perfect sport for this violent city. Although explosives are not allowed on the field, it is pockmarked with craters - I guess security is not a priority!
Hamilton has a huge natural harbor but ships are not welcome. The harbor is used only three times a year: On Valentine's Day, Mother's Day and Thanksgiving, baby seals are imported by the thousands from the ice fields outside of Toronto (A frontier trading post) and all the children of the city, ages three to seven, are thrown into the water where they frolic and club the baby seals. Then there's a city wide hot dog barbecue for families and visitors. Hamilton's hot dogs are unique because they are pyramid shaped. It makes sense because the shape prevents them from rolling into the central city drain - well, at least they got something right!
Oddly enough, Hamilton is home to the world's largest banks. On "Monopoly Day" which falls on the last Monday of April and October, the whole city turns into a giant monopoly board! The townsfolk dress up as giant shoes and cars and tophats and go willy-nilly across town trying to gather up real estate based on rolls of the dice and available cash. All transactions are legally binding! The holiday is a highlight of Hamilton's social calendar and thanks to better planning and security, the city has managed to keep the murders down to under a thousand per holiday.
Apart from the unique hot dogs, there isn't much in terms of Hamiltoonian cuisine. The only other culinary event worth mentioning is the summer barnacle bake that takes place every July (peak barnacle rutting period) around the harbor.
I'd like to thank Dr. Ping for standing up for me against the outrageous slings and arrows hurled at me by John Fastenden. But now that you all know more about where he comes from, maybe you can find it in your hearts to go easy on him.
Keep on travellin'!

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